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Confused

So, today I heard from my husband. We havent talked in a long time, so I was surprised he even called. Maybe the holidays are making him sad...but either way, I was a little thrown off by what he told me. Since he's left, Ive seen another side of him that I didnt know existed. I know we got married young, and I could understand that maybe he'd feel like he hadnt done a lot of things. I would have been ok with us seperating and doing our own thing for a little while, just so he could get it out of his system. But I couldnt understand why he wanted a divorce. Anyway, he said a lot of hurtful things the last time we really talked. So hurtful that I almost lost it. How could this person be the one that I loved with all my heart? How could the one person I trusted the most in the world do that to me? Especially at the time he did it. I was already going through a depression over something else, and I had ended up taking a leave of absence from work to deal with it. So I was just starting to get better...I was about to go back to work the next week, when he told me he was leaving and wanted a divorce. Ive managed to get myself to work...and Ive managed to eat enough to survive...but I almost lost it completely. I was thinking that death would be the only way out of this pain. My therapist wanted me to get help, maybe check into a hospital, but I didnt. So...back to my original story...my husband called me today. I didnt answer at first. But I heard his voicemail and it seemed like he was being sincere in wanting to talk to me. After all the basic chit chat, he finally came out and told me how he was sorry for everything he had said before. That he thought that if I hated him, it would make it easier for both of us to get through this. He said he didnt mean most of it, and felt really bad for putting me through that. He also said that he's realizing that he has a lot of anger and hatred in him and he doesnt know how to deal with it. I dont think he knows where its coming from....or at least, he has made it seem like that to me. He was really sad...and my heart broke to know he was going through this. So I told him that I know there are a lot of things between us right now that are not resolved, but that I was willing to put that all aside for now, if he ever needed someone to talk to. I told him that he didnt have to talk to me, but that I thought he should talk to someone....he wont do therapy, so maybe his brother or his sisters...someone. He sent me a msg later saying thank you for listening, it helped him feel a little better...that he has some demons he's dealing with, and he has to figure things out because he wont be good to me or anyone else if he doesnt do this himself. So I get it...I get that. And because Ive loved him for so long, and still do, I wanted to at least offer to help. My confusion is....what does this mean? I know I shouldnt get excited, because he may still not want to be married. He may just feel comfortable talking to me. And thats fine with me. I obviously would prefer to work things out, but you cant force someone to be with you. So as long as he deals with this, and I deal with what Im going through...then thats all I care about. Another thing that confuses me....my friends and my mom think that I was "too nice" to him. That he was horrible to me, and put me through hell all because he wanted to be single and have fun. Also, because he left me when I needed him the most, and he obviously wasnt there for me when I was sad about him leaving. So they think I shouldnt even talk to him or be around him (he asked me to go to his families house for xmas) because they think it will set me back. I might go into that serious depression again if something doesnt go right or whatever....

My therapist thinks that I was very kind and mature in the way I handled it....my friends I guess see it as me being weak and giving him my time when he doesnt deserve it. My mom just plain hates him now, so she doesnt want me to have anything to do with him..... I dont know what to think.....Im confused. What do you guys think? I know in the end its up to me, its my decision, but Im curious what people think...people who do not know either of us.

Tags: divorce, husband, seperated

Comment by Gabrielle Martinez on December 18, 2009 at 8:10am: I have no words really.
I've been in a similar situation, to the point where you head, heart and healing all pull in different directions.
Yes, get advice, think it over, sort everything out and breathe. Though, you are the only one that can/will make the decision to be nice/mean, talk/not talk, go to xmas dinner/not go. Just be strong, and smart about it. You're already doing well by talking about it, trying to be positive, and asking for help. Keep it up. Don't allow holiday hoaxes to hold you (not saying this is), but I'm sure you don't want to get hurt again.
I wish you luck and strength in figuring this out. Either way, enjoy the holiday season & surround yourself with good and positive people.

Comment by Priscilla on December 18, 2009 at 8:37am: Thank you...Im just going to try and take it one day at time. Thats all I can do for now. And everyone has an opinion, but that doesnt mean it has to be mine right? So, I just have to figure things out....

Comment by Paula F on December 18, 2009 at 12:03pm: Gabrielle has good advice. He's coming from a place of guilt right now, but that doesn't mean he wants to get back with you, or that you should want to get back with him. Take lots of time, & be good to YOURSELF first for awhile. It's all about YOU right now.

Comment by Priscilla on December 18, 2009 at 12:46pm: Thanks Paula....I always like your comments, your so positive. I am doing better, and Im starting to do things that I never got to do before. Im going to keep that up and put me first for a while. I can tell already that its helping grow as a person.

Comment by Nicole M on December 18, 2009 at 4:36pm: I can understand your confusion. I'm in a similar situation myself. This guy hurt me terribly in July and it really devastated me and I was already going through a lot of traumatic stuff, which he knew. I stayed away from him for 4 months, but I recently reconnected with him because there were some unresolved issues I needed to sort out. It was a relief to have a pleasant conversation, but it made me miss him even more and relive all the hurtful things he said to me in the summer, so it made me start doubting myself again. I'm still working on getting past all that. I guess you just have to do what you feel in your heart is right. People think I'm being too nice to people too, but I can't just abandon someone who's hurting. But you do need to take care of yourself too and put your needs first. That's what I'm trying to work on now. A very hard thing to do...

I hope everything works out for you :)

Comment by Michael Valliere on December 18, 2009 at 6:44pm: When he left he probolly wanted to have his fun but thatonly lasts for so long. He probolly was trying to push you away by being hurtfull,I have done that to ones I loved ( Hate Me ) I always felt guilt after. I would'nt go getting excited or rush to any judgement,but I also don't see you as weak for being compassionate to him. This is someone you love. Yeah it sucks he was mean,and not there when you need him the most,but if it's in youre heart to forgive,then others around you should accept that.

Comment by BreniJo on December 18, 2009 at 9:44pm: I went through a little bit of this with my husband in the beginning. I don't honestly think he knew what he wanted!
For my husband, he had a lot of guilt where I was concerned because he knew I was completely committed to him from go.(love at first sight for me) But he had just gotten out of a long relationship and was very hurt by her and the situation. I didn't know this at first, and it ripped my heart out to hear the dreaded words "nothing serious" but it was too late I was already crazy about him. He kinda played with my emotions for a couple of years before I just said STOP! I left him a Dear John letter that I couldn't put myself through this anymore and left. I didn't speak to him for 2 yrs. But I guess fate had other plans for us.
I think your husband just got scared thinking that there's more to life than he was living and is now confused. That being single wasn't all that he thought it would be. Maybe some regret on leaving? I personally don't think Christmas with the folks is such a good idea, but that's totally up to you. I think Hubby has a lot of work to do on repairing any sort of relationship you may have whether it be friendship or getting back together or just leaving things as-used-to-be's. You've got a lot of thinking to do!! Good Luck!

Comment by Priscilla on December 18, 2009 at 10:12pm: Michael....I appreciate your input. Its nice to hear a guys point of view. So far I havent let it go to my head, but at the same time I keep thinking about the conversation. Im not going to do anything different though. Im going to continue doing what Ive been doing, which is trying to figure out who I really am. BreniJo....I think your right in it not being a good idea to go spend xmas with him and the rest of his family. Nothing against them of course, but it will just be a reminder of what I no longer have. Which I think in the end will just cause a set back in me getting better and out of this depression. Thank you to everyone who has commented! Its nice to feel understood....

Comment by Anthony on December 18, 2009 at 10:20pm: From my own experience, I'd say this is pretty much a "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" things. I have had times where I thought I was being nice in this type of situation, and then the person would just go and screw me over again and again and again. You can only hit your head against the wall so many times before you stop yourself and say "wow, this really friggin' hurts", and I have realized this given enough time. Sometimes we have to learn by doing it ourselves too, and every scenario is different, but coming from a "nice" guy, don't feel like you owe it to him and don't do it because you think it will bring about change. I've done the same time of thing as you, once for each of these reasons, and I learned the hard way, and pretty emphatically at that, how naive I was. You seem like a really good person, and I really don't want you to end up getting even more hurt through all of this. I'll keep you in my prayers, and no matter what you decide, we will be here for you either way, good or bad. Take care!

Comment by Priscilla on December 18, 2009 at 10:36pm: Anthony - I know what you mean about not letting myself get taken advantage of. Thats not going to happen anymore, with anyone. But I am sincere when I say that I just want the best for him, and I want him to find a way to be happy...no strings attached. Im not expecting him to want to come back. That doesnt mean what he did was not wrong and that all is forgiven. Right now he is focusing on himself, and I should be focusing on myself. We were so young when we got married...I dont think we ever had a chance to figure out who we were as individuals. Im having a hard time being alone, but thats because Ive never been alone before. Ive been with him since I was 16...thats half our lives! But Im hopeful that I will get through this, and come out a better person. Thank you for your comment and prayers!

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Blue October Is:

Justin Furstenfeld- Vocals, Guitar
Ryan Delahoussaye- Violin, Mandolin, Keyboards
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